Well I’m almost 100% sure that nobody even checks this site anymore as it’s been eons since I’ve written anything. I don’t know what this post is going to be about but since I believe no one will actually read it I’m just going to do a free writing type of post. And it’s not going to be funny because I don’t feel funny these days. Mostly I just feel like killing myself. That is not a cry for help, because I would not actually do it, I just feel like doing it.
Let me start by saying this: being a single parent sucks big huge donkey balls. I hate this. I absolutely fucking hate this. I can’t put into words how much I hate this. I say it and it sounds pathetic and whiney and like I’m looking for sympathy which maybe I am. All I know is that I am miserable 90%, if not more, of the time. I want to be held while I sob, for about a month. Maybe then, all this pain that is in my head and in my heart would go away. But I doubt it. I am living in a constant state of stress and fear and exhaustion and worry. No one should have to live like this. Sometimes I don’t even feel like I know how to laugh anymore. Make no mistake I can put on a fairly good facade. People that don’t know me would think I am just fine. Those that know me well might think I’m just having a bad day. Nobody really sees what I’m feeling. You absolutely cannot understand the desperation and heartache and all consuming terror that comes with single parenthood unless you’ve been there yourself.
I know I have it better than so many people but all I can think about is how much worse I have it than I used to. I had a good life. I had a husband that loved me (or so I thought), two beautiful children, a house that I loved, a life as a stay at home mom which enabled me to play and love on my babies as much as I wanted to each and every day. But then when I really start to think about it I’m not so sure how good I did have it. My husband and I fought constantly, we never had sex, we rarely ate meals together, we almost never went on dates together, we were like roommates instead of husband and wife. All of these things contributed to the demise of our marriage which in turn led to the demise of our family. I could write books about the guilt I feel about my children not growing up with both of their parents, that guilt is enough to bring me to my knees sometimes. I hate more than anything what their father and I have done to them. They are changed forever and will never be the same, will never look at relationships the way they could have. All because of the stupidity of their parents.
This is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. Post partum depression? Nothing compared to this. I am everything, EVERYTHING to these two small people. That is unbelievably overwhelming to me. The fact that I am barely, by the skin of my teeth, providing for them is terrifying. I bounced three checks today. How am I supposed to pay for haircuts and winter coats and school lunches and new shoes and snow pants and groceries and heat and gas and electricity on what I make at my three jobs? I sometimes don’t get my paycheck from one job until days after I’m supposed to. This is a huge problem. My third job (makeup artist) pays nothing as I always do everyones makeup for free. I look for other jobs, no one will talk to me. No one sees my potential. No one believes I can do it. I’m starting to not believe I can do it either.
I struggle with my faith each and every day. I pray and I try to be the best person I can be and I believe in God and I know that He has a plan for me. I just don’t know how I’m supposed to do this. I don’t know how I’m supposed to put all my faith in Him and believe that someday His plan for me will be revealed. Right now it feels like every single day I’m being tested with something new. Whether it’s lice brought home from school on my sweet boy’s head or the stomach flu or bouncing checks at the bank or something going wrong with my car or my daughters Brownie uniform costing over $50 or the fact that the man that I love lives 900 miles away from me and there’s no one to hold me at night while I cry the day away. I keep thinking that things are finally turning around for me, I’ll have a good couple of days and then BAM, something happens that throws me off course again. It’s incredibly discouraging and disheartening and I honestly don’t know how much more I can take.
Sometimes I sit and stare at my beautiful children and wonder if I could just leave. If I could just get up while they’re at school one day and drive away and never look back. But I know I couldn’t. As hard as my life is and as depressed as I can get, I could never, never be without my children. They are everything to me, my life, my breath, my loves. Just looking at their sweet faces and feeling their soft little hugs is often all that gets me through. One of my biggest fears is that when they get old enough to realize they could make a choice that they might choose to live with their dad instead of me. I’m pretty sure that would rip my heart in half. I can only hope that never happens.
I am exhausted from doing everything by myself. I know that lots of stay at home moms or moms in general feel as if they do everything themselves and sometimes they do. But when it is really only you it is completely different. When I was married I had someone to mow the lawn, I had someone to occasionally make a meal, I had someone to dry off one kid while I washed the other one, I had someone to help clean up the vomit at 3am. Now it is just me. Me. Me and only me. I do EVERYTHING alone. Every single meal, every single reminder to do this or that, every single grocery and gas trip, every single bill, EVERYTHING is me. It is absolutely overwhelming. Today I had to take off work because my son is sick. He threw up this morning, this after a weekend of trying to remove all the lice and nits from his head that he brought home from school. Now tonight my daughter is complaining of an upset stomach. Does this mean I will have to take tomorrow off of work as well? Probably. My ex husband doesn’t take days off of work for his sick children. And so I will somehow have to figure out how to scrape by and pay the bills and feed the kids on even less money. Sometimes I can’t tell which is more stressful, the lack of money due to taking time off work for sick kids or the sick kids themselves. It’s exhausting taking care of a sick child. Everyone knows this.
Anyway, I’m tired. It’s 8:12pm on a Monday night and I was ready to fall asleep about an hour ago. I’m going to go crawl into my bed, alone, and talk to my boyfriend on the phone for a few minutes before I cry myself to sleep. I think I am so tired all the time anymore partly because my life is exhausting but mostly because it’s the only time I can escape my problems for a few hours. Of course when the kids are sick I don’t always even get those few hours. Maybe I’ll write more on all this bullshit tomorrow. Maybe I won’t.